I’ve had a dull week. It had the potential to be fun, my wedding anniversary was on Monday, but I’m still ill. I’m finding it hard to concentrate, I have no energy, and I’m sure there are many things I would like to be doing other than sleeping. I don’t understand what is going on in my head but I’m driving myself mad. When I’m healthy curling up with a book in the afternoon and having a nap is such a luxury yet when I’m ill it seems like such a waste of time.
I was reading somewhere* recently that one of the central tenants of the Western worldview is that we should always be engaged in some sort of outward task. The author talked about the Swahili word for “Westerner” which translates to something like “one who moves around” or “who wanders aimlessly”. There is no doubt that when I’m sitting at home I feel as if I should be doing something, that I should achieve something every single day. Today I managed to make dinner, which is more than I managed yesterday, but it still feels like I’ve wasted a day. Of course it would be idiotic to do too much when I’m ill, but I have not found the balance between listening to my body and fighting illness.
*I’m not entirely sure which book I was reading but it was probably “Hide and Seek – The Psychology of Self-Deception” by Neel Burton.